Save it, Jackman

Moviegoers- it is a great time to be alive. School is letting out, babes are getting tan, and Hollywood has spent all winter blowing shit up for our viewing pleasure. That’s right, it’s summertime. It’s the time of year that gets me thinking the world is my jizz rag. So what movies have my chimney chubbin’ this summer? Funny you should ask.

STAR TREK

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no Trekkie. I go outside all the time. I’ve even had a girlfriend. But make no mistake about it, this movie has got me revved up. The trailer doesn’t really make much sense, but I don’t care. It seems young Kirk has to ride his motorcycle, skydive in space, and sit down in his chair. Meanwhile, there’s shit blowing up and black holes. Sold me. However, dear reader, please beware. This is a “prequel” so after you watch the movie you will know the whole backstory to the entire Star Trek. You might then be tempted to delve into the rest of the Star Trek franchise- don’t. When you get heavy into Star Trek they give you your V-card back, laminated.

TERMINATOR: SALVATION

So I’m pretty sure this movie has already been made, except before it starred Keanu Reeves and the Internet. In this version of The Matrix, the world is real and we don’t have The One to save us. We have The Batman, and The Batman doesn’t fuck with kung-fu training programs. Hell no, Bale’s going to whoop some robot ass the old-fashioned way, with machine guns and sweat. The robots look a lot like the robots in Transformers, except without the Chevy sponsorship.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Shit: I Don’t Want to See

Skip to the 1:00 mark

OK, I get it, Hugh Jackman. You’re huge- you’ve been lif’ting a shitload of weights and getting cut. You’ve got a vein on your goddamn collarbone for God’s sakes. You’re probably on HGH. I loved X-Men and X-Men 2 and even quietly enjoyed X-Men 3, but this is too much. Wolverine is played out. So chomp on a cigar and stroke your sideburns for an hour and a half by yourself, I don’t really give a shit. Your bullshit doesn’t faze me. I know your true backstory, Wolverine. You’re not a badass who disembowels villains with his knuckle-blades. You’re a singing, tap-dancing Broadway fancy-boy. Here’s some Waters advice for you (the best kind of advice)- model yourself after Bruce Willis. Willis kicks asses and takes names, you see him prancing around at the Tony Awards? Shit no you don’t. Willis was in fuckin’ Die Hard! John McClane doesn’t dance for anybody! So save it, Jackman. I’m not seeing this piece of shit.

I'll Rip You to Shreds!

This entry was posted on Friday, May 8th, 2009 at 12:35 am and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.